HOW TO PREPARE YOURSELF FOR A LIFETIME RELATIONSHIP

How do we give our potential relationships the best chance of survival?
Most of my patients are experiencing relationship difficulties of one form or another. A very high percentage are divorced, and a very high percentage of them are having extramarital relationships. Many are not happy in their current relationship. Consequently, I've thought about these issues for some time.
I've asked my patients many very personal and private questions. The men who consult me about erectile dysfunction do not appear to be offended by my intrusion into their private and sexual lives. Most men find it therapeutic to discuss these issues with me. I have therefore been given the opportunity to look at these problems from many different angles. I have incorporated several questions into these sessions, such as: Why is the relationship not what you expected it to be? Why are you always having stressful times with your spouse? Why don't you foresee a future with the same partner with whom you have pledged a lifelong commitment?
I have developed a theory which may explain why the first impressions of love fade in the long term. It is a result of the inquiry sessions with my patients. In my clinic, these men are often confiding to someone for the first time in their lives. They haven't even expressed their feelings to their spouse, their family, or friends. My theory may not appear attractive at first, and in fact, it's quite clinical. It's a very practical approach. For those people who prefer a purely emotional approach, it may appear quite offensive. This is not what's intended. I espouse it because I believe it will assist many men who find a practical approach to problem solving is better than an emotional one. It may also help those men who have tried the emotional approach without success. They are disillusioned with love' and want to find a partner who is compatible for the long term.
I might add, I do preach this theory to my patients, my family and friends, and even to my wife.

The calculated decision
What is this decision and how is it calculated? The decision one must make is whether to go ahead with any long-term relationship, either with a new girlfriend or a potential marriage partner, or to decide whether or not to stay with a current partner. Because the odds are against you surviving a long-term relationship, you must confront a few important issues before you can make a long-term commitment. The key to this decision is the following: it's more important to think about excluding what you don't want in a relationship than thinking about what you do want.
How do you go about finding all this out? How do you prevent yourself from getting married for the wrong reasons? We already know that there are far more wrong reasons for getting married than there are right ones. Many more couples get married unaware of what they are getting into than those who have thought it out completely beforehand.

How do you tell wrong from right?
'Wrong' is what you know you don't want. You probably won't know what is right because, until now, you haven't found the 'prefect partner'. Once you have excluded those characteristics that you don't want, you allow love, physical attraction and compatibility to guide you. In a nutshell, you should not make a decision about what is right before you have excluded those characteristics that are wrong. And how do you decide about what is wrong? This is simpler than you think.
Here are five easy steps to help you decide what does not work for you either with a present partner or in a relationship that you are planning:
i. Look back at your own past. Examine your previous relationships. Think about what you liked least about your previous partners. What didn't work with you? What caused arguments? What caused anxiety and raised your blood pressure? What irritated you? What type of people were your previous partners? Why did these relationship come to an end?
Unfortunately, after we end a relationship for whatever reason, we tend to feel quite empty inside. We think about our ex-partner, even if the relationship ended badly. We often think most about the good times we had, however few they were. Even if there was just one good moment, this will overshadow your thoughts about the many bad experiences. Nostalgia will be active for a long time after you end a relationships and as you dwell on the good times.
You should digest the past and the good times and place them to one side. You need to remember the things that made you mad, that turned you off, that caused endless frustration for you. You should list these points, however painful this may prove. Once you've listed the bad things in your past relationships, a short description next to each point will consolidate and clarify them in your mind. By doing this, it will help ensure that you remember what happened so that you don't let it happen again.
Brian, a 43-year-old patient of mine, remembers one of his previous relationships:
'I had a girlfriend once. She used to giggle like a silly schoolgirl. It irritated me no end. This was something in her character that I just could not endure. It became so honed in my memory forever that I am just unable to live with someone with just such a laugh ... She also kept a photograph of her deceased husband in her wallet, five years after he had died, and she refused to put it away in a secret place/
You can see that there may be many small things in your past relationships that have clearly been important enough to be irritating. Some of these annoyances may have reached the point where life with a partner has become quite uncomfortable. You might say: 'But you need to be tolerant in a relationship/ This is true. However, why not try to exclude some of the obvious and proven intolerable things? Marriage is hard enough. No need to handicap it before it even gets off the ground.
2. Take a look at the people around you—your friends or family who are close to you and in a relationship. The best couple to look at is your own parents. This exercise is useful if they are one of the lucky couples who survived the odds of divorce. If not, try and remember their relationship as it was. Here again, look at the characteristics that you liked least in their relationship.
A good example was put forward by Mike, a 37-year-old plumber, who remembers how his parents used to argue a lot.
'All relationships have arguments at one time or another', he said, 'but when my folks would argue, they would [threaten] each other. My dad would threaten to leave. He'd pack his bag and actually put it in his car and drive off. He would come back, though, and not talk to my mother for a couple of hours, and then things would be OK.'
'As far as my sister and I were concerned, we were petrified that dad was going to leave forever and we would have to grow up without him. Later on in life, I asked my parents whether they really meant what they had said to one another. Their answer: "No, never. It was just a way to let off some steam between us. We both never had any intentions to separate.'" Mike's parents are still married 40 years down the track and according to him, they are very happy together.
'I'm glad they never ever went through with their threats, but it did take its toll on me', Mike said. 'I went through severe feelings of insecurity and anxiety. I swore to myself then that I wouldn't put my own children through that, and I haven't. Laura and I argue, but we make no idle threats. I explained this to her early on in our relationship.'
Here, Mike describes a characteristic of someone else's relationship that he refused to have as part of his own. He decided this long before he even met his wife-to-be. He ensured that he discussed this with her very early on in their relationship.
3.         Write it all down. Describe a graphic picture in your mind of the type of person you really don't want to be with. Remember, as you go on in life, you will experience more distasteful characteristics that you will add to this list. However, don't make this an obsession—don't let this rule your life. Although this technique is meant to assist you in the process of finding someone with whom you can spend the rest of your life, it should not be a negative experience. Don't let what you see as bad human characteristics blind you to the good in others.
4.         Keep your eyes open because 'love is blind'. There are a number of meanings to this sentence. To me, it means that a person who is in love is blind to what is going on around him. His or her focus is on the here and now and their view of the future is a narrow one. Before you allow yourself to 'fall in love', which in fact in most cases means 'falling in lust', question yourself to make sure that you are constantly in control. Don't turn a blind eye to your partner's characteristics as a whole. Be aware of the image or the picture that you have in your mind of the person that you don't want to end up with.
5. Be honest with your partner. Tell your partner about what you like and don't like about her or him early on in the relationship. Don't let these issues brew. At least if you've mentioned them and issues have been brought to your attention as well, then you can work through these early on in the relationship. The important point is to talk about these issues in a mature and honest manner. Expect backlashes and expect bad feelings. The point of these steps is to exclude any major dissatisfactions from your relationship before they develop. You will have then worked through the less important dissatisfactions before they become major issues. Here is where compromise comes in. Through compromise, problem are much easier to deal with.

What is compromise and how do you best learn to deal with it?
The 1996 Oxford Dictionary defines the word 'compromise' with two distinct meanings:
•          'settlement of a dispute by mutual concession' and
•          'to modify one's opinions and demands'.
There needs to be an action plan in place if you are to handle some difficult and sensitive issues which may cause a degree of friction. This will allow you and your partner to work through these issues practically and maturely.
Sharon, the wife of a friend of mine, explained to me the philosophy of their marriage:
'Rule number one,' she said is 'Sharon is always right'.
'Rule number two. If you have any doubts about who is right, refer again to rule number one'.
This is not an ideal form of compromise, but some would say it has merit. Ultimately, in any compromise, it is rare for both parties to benefit equally. There will usually be one party who is more satisfied with the outcome. Consequently, there will always be one party who is more dissatisfied. The important element is the discussion. This provides an opportunity for an understanding between partners as to what is important in their lives. You are then over one more hurdle.
The best way to deal with compromise is to embrace it. If you are the one who is to 'modify opinions and demands', do it with grace. Learn to enjoy it and appreciate it as a unique characteristic of your partner. However, compromise involves both parties. If you've compromised in one area, it is important that your partner compromises in another. Talk through your compromises, not with anger and frustration, but with a sense of acceptance and mutual understanding.
                                                                                                                                 *66\4*

Prescription Meds