PREVENTING INFIDELITY

How do you prevent infidelity?
Timing can also be your greatest enemy when forming a new relationship, and physical attraction your closest ally. You have to be aware of these influences. While these elements are important in forming a new relationship or deciding on a partner for life, your awareness of timing and physical attraction may also prevent you from straying in your current relationship. Understanding how they work will help you remain happy within the relationship.
For example: You are a busy man. You value your family and you spend all of your spare time with your spouse. However, you have been married for several years and when you come home from work these days there's nothing unique and exciting when you see your partner. But, if she were to go overseas for an extended stay, wouldn't you feel a heightened sense of excitement when she returned? That feeling would remind you of the uniqueness of your relationship.
If a situation arises where you feel home life is monotonous or work is more stressful than usual, you must realise that these are psychological forces that will undermine your emotions. These forces will have a significant impact on your state of mind and your self-control. If someone unexpected were to appear suddenly attractive and available, you might be inclined to become involved. Situations that are different from your current set of circumstances will appear much more attractive.
David, 36 years old, stockbroker
David is engaged to Linda and they are to be married in the very near future. Linda is 35 years old and was divorced three years before she met David. They are both immigrants and don't yet have the social infrastructure and contacts which they can confidently rely on for assistance.
David has enjoyed bachelorhood, but he has realised it's time to settle down. As a partner, Linda has fulfilled many of David's desires, but by no means all of them. His doubts have been constant and their anxiety builds as their marriage day looms closer. They decide to have their wedding in their former country. Linda leaves a month before the ceremony to prepare and organise the festivities.
David, on the other hand, is suffering and in turmoil. Having lived in Australia for only a year, he doesn't feel established. He has a job, but it will only last until after the wedding, by which time he will must find a new one. His friends and family are thousands of kilometres away. Although they get on well most of the time, David and Linda have times when things are strained. David's promiscuous past ignites insecurity in Linda. Linda's previous marriage and references to it cause endless frustration for David. The pressure of finances, employment and having to start again in a new country are sometimes too much for them.
in Linda's absence, David experiences heightened feelings of insecurity. Although they speak on the phone once a day, these feelings increase. As a bachelor, when he felt insecure, he would try avoid his problem by pretending it wasn't there. He wasn't obliged to face these feelings head on.
David had seen me about problems relating to sustaining his erection. He was now deeply concerned whether Linda was the
right person for him. Since she had been away, all the women around him seemed so much more attractive, and the opportunities seemed boundless.
It would be so easy', he says, 'to have a relationship with one of these girls. If I'm feeling like this, don't you think our relationship is doomed to failure?'
'No', I said, 'it's all in the timing right now.'
'What do you mean ?', he asked.
'David, right now things are very stressful for you. You are in a new country with an insecure job. You are about to leave your bachelor environment for a lifelong commitment to a woman that you have known for just 12 months. Your family and friends are thousands of kilometres away. Your level of security and confidence is at its lowest'
'Yes, that's about right'
'Well, your mind is telling you that the best way of putting these problems out of your mind is to do something that you know that you can do well, and that puts your ego back on top. And as a bachelor, you achieved this best by going out, finding a new woman, and having sex with her. Once you had bedded her, you felt [power] over her and you felt you had acquired a sense of achievement. For that one night, for those few hours, you felt successful and you could put all your insecurities to one side. In fact, these insecurities took on much less importance.'
David was deep in thought about what I had been saying and was nodding with realisation. 'Yes, I think you're right'
'Dave, this has been your crutch in these types of situations. It's the easiest way you know how to run away from your problems. You will have to face these problems eventually. When you are married, these types of problems need to be faced and dealt with early on, otherwise they fester and harm the relationship.'
This story highlights one reason why men consider having extramarital relationships. The timing is right and infidelity seems the most attractive option. During those brief moments of achievement, all problems seem to disappear. It acts something like an opiate which treats the pain of your current situation. And the more you have it, the more you need it. It's a quick fix. If you do it once and guilt doesn't get the better of you, it's likely you will make a habit of it.
Each time you fantasise about having an affair, try to work out why you are having this fantasy. If you are able to take into account that your situation at home is going through a rough period, or work is not going well, or your confidence as a whole is just down, then you need to realise that your fantasies are as a result of your mood. If you tackle these issues and focus on elevating your mood, then you may not have to fantasise about another person.
By realising that this is what is occurring each time you fantasise about having an affair, it may remind you to stop a moment and think about your current situation and question whether or not it is just 'timing' that has prompted you to feel this way right now. Take a minute to think how you would feel without these demoralising and depressing issues in your life, and then you should add to this the probable implications of an adulterous relationship. This will probably help you make a more informed decision about whether to go ahead with infidelity. I think you will be more likely to reject the idea.
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