LIVING WITH TYPE A’s: THE “TOO MELLOW TO ADMIT IT” PATTERN
We have a whole new generation of Type A's now, all of whom have an added problem in coping with this syndrome: they have been taught to feel ashamed of themselves. This new generation has heard and read about the risks involved in being Type A, and the warnings have fueled the messages that lingered in their minds from the 1960s about valuing the nonmaterialistic aspects of life, taking time to enjoy life, and so on. They were taught to strive to be Type B.
One couple I treat in marital therapy—both of whom are in their early forties and both of whom are decidedly Type A in their coping style—have the following quote from Oliver Wendell Holmes taped to their refrigerator door: "Nothing is so vulgar as to be in a hurry." As the husband in this couple laughingly explained, "We glance at that old saying every morning as we're rushing around like maniacs, trying to get our kids out the door so we can both zoom to our offices, work like mules all day, rush home, and be reminded every time we go to the fridge that we're really cool because we don't believe in rushing. What a joke."
Such folks often remind me of Type A's with the brakes on. These people, unlike some of the other Type A patterns, do aspire to be more Type B in reaction style, and they judge Type A characteristics negatively. Accordingly, they often fill their free time with supposedly Type B stuff, like attending dance theater productions or symphony concerts. Their secret is that they usually are bored at such events and feel like leaving at intermission.
They also try to squelch their competitiveness, not wanting to appear to stoop to the low levels of comparing their own income or possessions with those of an old classmate. These people usually have also learned to interact with others in a socially skilled manner, perhaps through on-the-job training in effective communication skills. Their secret Type A-ness therefore often goes undetected by others. But of course the secret is detected by—who do you suppose?
The problem in these marriages is the disdain that one or both spouses have for being Type A. In some of the other patterns of marital relating, this factor of negative judgment about the Tightness or wrongness of being a Type A reactor is absent. In those patterns, even though the individuals involved may lament the inconveniences or negative emotional consequences of being married to a Type A mate, the mate's way of coping is not condemned. No judgment is made that being this way is crass, undesirable, unattractive, and appropriate only for people who know less and are less psychologically healthy than others. Rather than shame the Type A spouse, these couples openly label, discuss, and struggle with the Type A coping pattern.
The important word in the preceding sentence is openly. In the Mellow Type A marriage, on the other hand, the Type A struggles are more covert; the couple tries to keep the Type A-ness a secret. Keeping an ongoing Type A struggle secret from the outside world is difficult enough, but such couples also tend to try to mask Type A reactions in their private dealings with each other. They do so to avoid being the target of each other's disgust and criticism.
Learning to curb Type A reactivity by practicing new behaviors within the safe privacy of one's marriage is certainly not a bad thing to do. In fact, as I discuss in the following pages, this is the very strategy I recommend for trying to modify Type A coping pattern. In the Mellow Type A marriage, however, the attempts to change Type A reactions are not made in a nurturing spirit of working together to enhance wellness; they come from a shame-based message that says, "Being this way is disgusting, and I am embarrassed by your [or my own] Type A behavior."
The result of the Mellow pattern is increased discontent and struggle in the marriage. As we grow older, it is only natural for us to tire of efforts to change what seem to be our most natural and authentic ways of being. This is true for all personality types, not just Type A's. During adult stages of psychological development, we progress toward more open and authentic expression of our innermost sense of self.
This normal psychological developmental process collides with the "You should be ashamed of yourself" message that is at the root of the Mellow Type A marital pattern. Mellow Type A marriages tend to perpetuate the brand of mid-life crisis that has to do with developing urgent intolerance for "faking it anymore in my life." Type A's living in such marriages may begin to feel trapped and constrained by the marriages, which do not fit their most natural way of being.
Again, I want to clarify that this pattern does not involve the Type A's romanticizing or endorsing all the manifestations of Type A behavior. To the contrary, this new generation of Type A's probably values Type B reactivity more than does any other version of Type A personality.
What grows intolerable to such individuals is the rigid criticism coming from the other spouse. Such criticism is often fueled by the spouse's own, even more secretive and shameful grappling’s with Type A syndrome. The message given by such a person often sounds to a marital therapist like, "I want my mate to change all that disgusting Type A stuff so that my own Type A reactions will calm down and I'll never have to confront myself about this same issue."
With this secretive struggle and all these negative judgments floating around in the marriage, many of these seemingly Mellow couples develop a very bitter and blatantly Type A flavor. These couples often settle into a style of living that is all about trying really hard not to try so hard.
*110\170\9*

MISCELLANEOUS Causes of headaches: The Body Clock