MARRIAGE AND TYPE A PERSONALITIES: HOT REACTORS AND RELATIONSHIPS
Relationship styles are affected by individual physical reaction patterns. When faced with a frustrating situation, hot reactors seem almost unable to react with calm understanding and tolerance. These are the spouses who yell, get red in the face, exaggerate in the midst of an argument, and negotiate by bullying.
It is important to remember that this initial period of hot reaction is not fully under one's individual control. This statement is not intended to give license to such outbursts, however. If you are a hot reactor, your basic psychological task in life is to learn to control your behavior better in reaction to this physiological burst of alarm.
The first step in gaining self-control is to lower baseline levels of stress and tension. Attempting to control yourself in the midst of an alarm reaction is difficult and painful. Do not wait until a storm of hot reactions breaks over you before attempting to change; learn to lower your general tension level so that an occurrence of hot reaction won't push you over the edge of acceptable behavior.
Your alarm reaction will occur reflexively: accept this fact. But the effect of the alarm reaction on your behavior will be lessened if the baseline from which this response originates is lower. Lowering your baseline of tension and stress begins with your willingness to make some commonsense choices in orchestrating the situations that fill your daily life. Here are some examples:
Choose to associate with people who soothe you, not with people who stir your competitive feelings.
Engage in activities that provide you with comfortable degrees of stimulation, not ones that overexcite aggressive and hostile reactions.
Exercise regularly; learn and use a physical relaxation technique to discharge excessive energy and to lower your overall level of physical reactivity.
Practice making a mental note of the effect your behavior has on others.
Practice apologizing when your reactions have hurt or frightened others.
Anticipate your initial period of hot reaction in certain situations coming up (for example, a family trip or a tense business meeting), and count to 450 before responding. (Count slowly, not by 50s!)
If you are the spouse of a hot reactor Type A, you probably spend a great deal of time running interference for your spouse in the hope of fending off an outburst. You also probably are frustrated with your lack of success in running enough interference and with your partner's lack of progress in learning to react more calmly. It is important for you to be realistic about your goal here, and about your expectations of your spouse.
Certainly no one has the right to treat another person with hostility and lack of consideration. However, if you are going to remain married to a hot reactor Type A, you must realize that your partner may react with an unfair amount of hostility at times. It may not be fair, but it is a fact.
Try to avoid the traps of developing mutual anger, resentment, and hostile reaction about Type A marital patterns. Many of the spouses of hot reactors whom I have treated refuse to accept the reality that their mates will never turn into Type B personalities, no matter how much preaching, crying, poor health, or negative emotional and relationship consequences come their way.
Be realistic in your expectations. Your partner can and should learn to tone down the hot reactor style, making episodes less intense and, it is hoped, less frequent. But you may also need to change your reactions to your partner's Type A behavior.
Try to avoid conveying condescending judgment of your partner's episodes of hot reaction. Being judged merely fuels the Type A fire. Many Type A's would struggle successfully through episodes of hot reactivity with relatively little interpersonal consequence if their spouses would not convey negative judgment of their actions at the moment. Try not to turn every moment of stressful reaction into an interpersonally stressful event. For example, your hot reactor wife may be cursing at the driver of the car ahead, but there is no need for you to react in a way that generates tension between the two of you.
Let her be angry with the other driver. You have to ride in the car with her, and you deserve to be reasonably comfortable. It is painful enough to witness such an outburst. Do not further your pain, and your partner's, by picking a fight about how she reacted.
In learning to cope better with your own or your partner's Type A style (hot reactor or not), it helps to understand the psychological roots of this personality pattern.
*95\170\9*

MISCELLANEOUS Causes of headaches: The Body Clock